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The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Written by John Gottman , Ph.D., with Joan DeClaire
Reviewed by Sara Gable, Ph.D., Human Development and
Family Studies,
College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of
Missouri-Columbia
Gottman's book, The Heart of Parenting, offers valuable guidance and research-based information to adults who parent, care for, and educate children. The book encourages adults to discuss emotions with their children, particularly negative ones, in order to develop better parent-child relationships and promote children's emotional intelligence. Through a technique termed Emotion Coaching, adults can help children understand why emotions happen and how to effectively cope with them. The author states, "…even more than IQ, [one's] emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine [one's] success and happiness in all walks of life…" (p. 20).
The book begins by describing Gottman's research showing
that preschoolers who experience Emotion Coaching at
home are more likely to have positive peer relations,
better physical health, higher academic performance, and
fewer behavior problems than children who do not
experience parental Emotion Coaching.
Next, Gottman provides parents with concrete information
on how to use Emotion Coaching with their children.
Effective Emotion Coaching relies on adult listening and
patience and follows a sequence of 5 steps:
1) Adult awareness of child emotions;
2) adult recognition of emotions as an opportunity for
intimacy and relationship building;
3) adult empathetic listening and validation of child
feelings;
4) adult assistance with emotion labeling; and
5) adult limit setting and assistance with problem
solving.
The book presents many examples of effective and
ineffective Emotion Coaching and stresses its usefulness
with children ages 3 years through adolescence.
The basic foundation of Emotional Coaching, Gottman
says, is empathy for the child's emotional experience.
The first three steps send children the message that
their emotions are real and that their adult caregivers
want to talk about them. The fourth step, emotion
labeling, is crucial because it helps children learn the
words to label their feelings, which helps them stay
calm and have the ability to talk about their feelings.
The last step encourages children to think logically and
to engage in problem solving.
Gottman also gives some tips for how to begin using
Emotion Coaching and how to use the technique
effectively. He recommends leaving your own agenda out,
trying to understand what your child's day has been
like, and avoiding criticism. Gottman also suggests
times when Emotion Coaching is not appropriate (for
example, when pressed for time, when privacy is
impossible, when child misbehavior is serious, when you
are stressed).
Emotion coaching is not only beneficial for children, it
can also help adults establish and maintain a satisfying
marriage. The book suggests strategies for managing
marital conflict and for protecting children from the
negative effects of conflict. If parents are
experiencing a lot of marital conflict, using Emotion
Coaching can help their child cope with the stress that
children often experience when their parents fight.
Gottman emphasizes that Emotion Coaching is for both
mothers and fathers because his research reveals that
the benefits of Emotion Coaching are especially positive
when fathers are doing the coaching. Deciding to begin
Emotion Coaching requires a father to get in touch with
his own feelings, consider the feelings of his spouse or
partner, and get in touch emotionally with his children.
Although this sounds like a daunting task, when one
begins Emotion Coaching, the benefits are likely to be
experienced by the whole family.
In summary, the author presents compelling research and
practical information that can be applied by all adults
who care for children and their families. The individual
chapters are well-organized and the author's writes in
reader-friendly style. An ever-present theme is one of
compassion for parents; the author recognizes that
parents genuinely want the best for their children and
operate typically out of concern for their child's
health and safety. The Heart of Parenting provides
techniques that parents can use to "follow their hearts"
in a way that fosters their child's emotional
development.
Resource: The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman , Ph.D., with Joan DeClaire. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster. 1997. 239 pp. $ 22.00.
Last Updated 05/05/2009
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